A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Lunacy

As FAB has mentioned in the past, we've dabbled for several years on a dating website we transparently refer to here as Jewdate. Unsuccessfully, of course, or we wouldn't all be here today now would we? From time to time FAB is bombarded with Jewdate emails of an accusatory nature given that some people are devoid of creative thought and probably have very tiny penises indeed. Normally I just ignore those messages in favor of those with which I can actually engage. But today between the hours of 4pm and 5pm was one of those times when I decided a good old fashioned email exchange was just what the doctor ordered to help run out the clock at work.*

AngryJewboy123**: Your account is phony.
FAB: Huh?
AJ123: You are a fake!!!!
FAB: Me, my profile, or my account?
AJ123: All three!!! [Ed. Pleased to see that, like the FABMommy, AJ is quite the fan of buying in bulk.]
FAB: Hmm...well that's a new one. Thanks.
AJ123: Your one week complimentary account doesn't make you real... [Ed. Not sure what he's talking about here. I've been a member since, oh, I dunno, 2001? Stop snickering.]
FAB: So what would it make me?
AJ123: The big "c" word. [Ed. Cucumber? Cantankerous? Cunnilingus?]
FAB: Um, do i know you? Is there a reason you're trying to pick a fight with me?
AJ123: Cause you are not Jewish...you have a misrepresented profile...and you [sic] week trial makes this site not fun...your profile reveals that you are full of it...
FAB: 1. I am not on a week trial. 2. I am Jewish. 3. This site isn't so fun, but that really isn't my fault.
AJ123: And how did you become Jewish??
FAB: I was raised that way. Twelve years of religious/Hebrew school. Blah bah blah. I mean, I suppose my relative "Jewishness" is debatable from the standpoint of my insistence on eating bacon and only going to synagogue about four times a year, but it doesn't really seem like you're in a position to judge on that front either. [Ed. AJ123's profile indicates that he goes to synagogue "Never" and keeps kosher "Not at all."]
AJ123: So you were adopted???
FAB: Yes.
AJ123: Lucky you!!!!...I still think you are on hear [sic] to waste other people's time...you are very stuck up and you need to recognize you are the odd man out here... you have no clue as to what makes people compatible....
FAB: Thanks for your thoughts.
AJ123: "Your ivy diploma"....Is that supposed to intimidate people?...or attract them?........I bet if you get an dates off of here it is because the fellow just wants to f-- you..... [Ed. I feel fortunate the gentleman doesn't want to offend my petal-soft eyeballs with coarse language. Also, yes. I hung my Ivy League diploma over my toilet like it's my office. Get it? Get it? Ok, fine.]
AJ123: It is nice that you stayed very composed during my abuse...I am impressed...I am Todd by the way..
FAB: Wait, so you think we're compatible?

Hey Todd? Costco called. They want their ellipses and exclamation points back.



*The alternative was gently resting my forehead on my desk, which I initially had tried but was caught facedown by a coworker. Embarrassing.

**Not his real online fake identity.