Please don't invite me on a coffee date. I want a cocktail.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
He got on with me at Herald Square and smouldered rakishly in the doorway across from me until Union Square, when he decided to sit right next to me(!!). FAB wondered if her iPod was cranked up too high. Can LKHJG hear this? Should I turn it down? Should I change music? Mountain Goats!? Neutral Milk!? Robyn!? Should I mention that I like his shoes? (Gay.) Or ask him about his unusual hat*? (Gay.) That I like his pants? (Still gay.) That I want to take off his pants? (Better. But also not.) Is LKHJG leaning into me when the train decelerates?
Once we entered the cell phone corridor otherwise known as the Manhattan Bridge, LKHJG twiddled with his pocket computer checking out the latest tweets (Tweets?). FAB glanced furtively to see what was going on in Twitterville. Huffington Post! Should I mention that FAB has her very own HuffPo blog? (Ew! No!) Can he see me trying to see what's on his iPhone? Can he see me trying not to get caught trying to see what's on his iPhone? What does it all meeeeean?
LKHJG really seems like he's leaning into me when the train decelerates, and he isn't moving his arm. FAB read somewhere that if you want to pick someone up on the subway you should just make eye contact and smile and if they return the smile you should obviously get off the train where they get off and stalk them out of the station and then something something something and then you get married and live happily ever after. I'm pretty sure that was it. The internet is chock full of helpful dating advice for the Mr. and Miss Lonelyhearts of NYC and beyond, but LKHJG was sitting right next to us so we couldn't even initiate the eye contact/stalking launch sequence even if we had wanted to.
This is a perfect Missed Connection just waiting to happen! Do people even still read Missed Connections? Missed Connections are dumb. And isn't it an extra meta-y kind of dumb if you're sitting here contemplating the Missed Connectionness of it all when you could actually, like, same something, thereby not actually missing said connection? Why don't you just say something? Oooh he's getting off at the same stop! It's a sign! I don't even live here but have to get off at this stop to get to an appointment! Look ma, I'm not even stalking, in the traditional sense! Now's my chance! Oooh can't walk that fast! Legs short! Heels high! Too many stairs! Wait, he kinda walks funny. Is he bowlegged? Why does he look like he just got off a horse? Or worse. That's so Brokeback. And then LKHJG rounded the corner into the sunset and out of our lives forever. Good riddance.
And we wonder why we're still single.
*Look, FAB is well aware than 99% of urban dudes cannot pull off a hat and not come off as a total douchewad. What can we say? LKHJG is part of the 1%.