Dear John Letter, Revisited.

Yesterday's superlative experience on Jewdate couldn't help but bring back fond memories of a certain MySpace near love-match from late 2005. Annotated and reposted shamelessly from Fatasianbaby.

Dear John,
Please don't panic. Despite my failure to respond, I have, in fact, received all ten [Ed. 10!!!] of your emails on MySpace today. Your first email at 4:39 pm was somewhat daft but charming nonetheless:

Subject: hey fat asian
Body: you are so beautiful, you like bacon cheeseburgers too?

I decided not to respond since, I suppose you failed to notice the "status" section of my profile, but I'm actually in a relationship. Can you believe it?? Nonetheless, the lady can take a compliment. Although another lesser man may have dismissed me for being so stuck up that I didn't answer, clearly you are not that man. Half an hour later I received the following email from you:

Subject: those are big asian tits
Body: i love it, an asian girl with big tits, thats awesome.

Again, thank you. I have been complimented on my ample bosom many times, but perhaps the conversation, if we may call it that even though there is only one participant, is getting a bit familiar considering we've never properly met. So again, I chose to ignore you. Yet somehow you seem to fail to appreciate my hesitance at striking up a relationship with you. Half an hour later I received the following:

Subject: do you like big dicks?
Body: you ever had a big dick between those tits?

Now, call me old fashioned, but I'd say that's downright fresh. Although I was tempted, and oh believe me, I was tempted, I decided that if I continued to ignore you, surely you would get bored and go away. And I was right. Or at least I thought. Five hours later you spewed this into my inbox:

Subject: do you like big dicks baby?
Body: i bet you could suck the shit out of a big dick

Which was followed shortly thereafter by this:

Subject: you love to suck cock dont you?
Body: whats the biggest cock youve ever had?

And this:

Subject: where are you?
Body: whats the biggest dick you ever had? you like them real big?

And this:

Subject: you like alot of meat baby?
Body: i bet you fuck so hard, your tits are perfect to titty fuck

And this:

Subject: do you like to suck them hard?
Body: do you suck them hard and make it really wet? do you ever take a shot in the face baby? you ever had your face painted white?

Now this last one actually made me stop and think for a moment. At first I thought you were making some sort of reference to my Asian heritage and how men have historically objectified Asian women with lily white faces. But then it occured to me that you were probably not making social commentary but rather were implying something about semen on my face. Very clever, John, clever indeed. I must say, I hadn't heard that one before and oh boy does it make me hot.
Ten minutes later you emailed me the following:

Subject: is your pussy wet?
Body: i bet you are beautiful on top, whats your favorite position?

And then:

Subject: do you like to lick balls?
Body: i want to feel your tongue against my balls.

Now John, I haven't heard from you in almost an hour now. Perhaps you've found a way to lick your own balls? Or maybe it was my frigidity that drove you away. I will admit, I was a bit perturbed by your attention. My boyfriend even suggested I email Tom about you, but I'm sure that Tom is a busy man. And besides, according to your Xanga homepage [Ed. Per Xanga: "JohnStud2780's site has been shut down for violation of Xanga's terms of use..." Frankly, we're shocked. SHOCKED.], you live right nearby in Marietta, and Tom, I am sure, lives all the way in California. What can Tom do? So instead, John, I'm writing you this letter. I know a conversation like this would be better had in person, but since our entire relationship has been based upon written words, I hope you won't consider this inappropriate.
John, it is over between us. We just weren't meant to be. I don't think we communicate well or maybe you just don't understand me. But either way, please forget about me. I do feel a bit guilty about ending it so abrubtly, so in an effort to ease the transition, I thought I would share your picture with a few friends.*
Who knows? You make some pretty nice muscles. I'm sure the ladies go crazy for that shit. Maybe one of my friends will look at your MySpace profile and be inspired to email you [Ed. Also no longer in business. Tragic.] Maybe you will finally find yourself that big breasted sex kitten you've been wanting so badly after all.

Wishing you all the best,
Fat Asian Baby

*Ok on re-reading this I suddenly remembered that about eight months later, when giving a Powerpoint presentation about epistemology, hegemony, and poststructural conceptualizations of power to a graduate school class at a major research institution, I actually used that second picture of you admiring your own gun show in what appears to be your parents' wood-paneled basement as the clip art to illustrate different theories of power. So, John, wherever you are some five years later, thank you for that.